


What’s behind door number three?

by AnneValkyria



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:46:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5582755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneValkyria/pseuds/AnneValkyria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Entry 5. Unable to decide between Edward and Jacob Paul shows her there are more options to consider. “How about you go for what’s behind door number three?” I winked and pointed to tented my shorts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Prompt:** Snowy ride

 **Title:** What’s behind door number three?

 **Beta:** Hannah_perry85

 **Pairing** : Bella/Paul

 **Rating:** M for huMor, roMance, sMut, and nicknaMes

 **Genre:** Romance-ish/Humor

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight. But if I did this is how it would’ve gone down

* * *

**A/N:** My fifth entry for the Better In Texas Winter Wonderland Contest.

Winner of Wonderland humor

Slightly edited. (My poor beta had nothing to do with the new mistakes)

Now with additional nicknames (I’m not telling, you have to read for yourself)

Will turn into a four or five shot. (No schedule or anything)

And 188 more words

 

**1.**

“But…Whyyyy?” I wasn’t too proud to whine like a little baby, not if there was a chance I would get out of whatever I didn’t want to do. Just because I lost my temper _one_ time…or maybe twice…Whatever. Just ‘cause I had a teeny tiny anger problem the fucking Alpha had sentenced me to bitch-sit. It wasn’t fair.

“It’s our week,” Sam rubbed the furrow between his brows and groaned tiredly. “You know she spent the last one with the Cullens.”

Gah, could it sound any more fucked up? I chortled. Like we have joint custody or sumthin? But in our case Mama leech and Papa wolf weren’t the ones with the questionable pleasure of taking care of their little bundle of joy. No _pe_ \- I smacked my lips to make the pop – we were the unlucky bastards who had to deal with her.

At least she was potty trained…I hoped. Gah. Me on diaper duty? Fuck. That.

Sam’s eyes hung at half-mast and he looked ready to keel over any second. With the pack, Em being pregnant, and Sparkle and Furry fighting over Miss possibly-in-Depends he had run himself ragged lately. And I wasn’t exactly helping with the shit I was pulling. “Someone’s gotta look after her, make sure they give her space,” he reminded me, as if I didn’t already know.

After the newborn battle the future Mrs. Tick’s feet got cold aaaaand…that’s it. She realized she didn’t know which of the two virgins she wanted and asked for some time to think.

Hot and Chill took it well for about…oh I dunno, five seconds, and then the smear campaigns started. And with that came the serenading. Vanilla Ice had some pipes on him I could give him that, but Gingerbread Crunch…not so much.

Damn. Now I was hungry. Gah. Whatever. Point was they didn’t leave her alone, trying to get her to pick between them and shit. Yeah… she didn’t find the stalking all that hot either, one day she just cracked at the grocery store and started crying in the frozen food section. I thought it was hilaaaaarious. The Bosses ‘R Us didn’t.

A sit-down was arranged, a schedule was drawn so everyone could get their quality hang time and they ruled that neither of the boy wonders could see her until she was ready to pick.

And that’s why we were here. I fucked up one too many times and was sentenced to bitch-sitting. Someone had to make sure Dick Dastardly and Muttley stayed away from her until she changed her mind...again.

As long as she wasn’t on the fast track to become the next Mrs. Frostbite she was under our protection. A bunch of us had a poll going on just how long that would be. For all we knew she planned on stringing them along forever. Fuck, I hoped not. The hilarity aside, I had other shit to do.

“Fine, I’ll do it.” I rolled my eyes, pretending I actually had a say. “But what the fuck am I supposed do with her?” The only thing I knew about girls was how to get them naked. The chick needed a U-Haul to transport all her baggage. I preferred my women easy, thank you very much.

“I don’t know what she likes to do,” Sam huffed. “Bella usually hangs out with Emily, but we haven’t been sleeping well lately…” His lids drooped and time kept tick, tick, ticking so I figured he nodded off on me “…How about a horse and carriage ride?” He slurred kinda out of nowhere, which had my brows playing hide-and-seek beneath my hairline. “It’s not snowing tonight.”

He was right. The weather had been doing an Elsa impersonation for weeks. One day when shit didn’t fall from the sky was alllll good in my book.

“Sure, why not. It sounds like the least bit of fun I could have, which is probably perfect for her.”

Sam yawned widely until his jaw cracked. Freaky. “Just make sure she stays warm. Can’t have her getting sick on your watch.”

When I left Sam’s house ten minutes later it was with one promise from him to catch some zees and one promise from me to treat Undecidella like a fucking queen. Whateverthehell that meant. Was I supposed to bow down to her, what? ‘Cause _that_ I could do. I licked my lips trying to imagine what she’d taste like.

The Things ambushed me when I was halfway to Big Bird’s house.

“Where are you going?” Thing 1 yipped, trying to sound as threatening as he couldn’t.

I snickered, “To charm the panties off your Main Squeeze. Be jealous, children,” I wiggled my brows suggestively, “be very jealous.”

Lurch found this hi-hi-hi-larious. His laughter could only be described as neighing in falsetto. Painful. I shuddered. “The fair Isabella would never go for someone so blatantly sexual,” he brayed. “You’re a Neanderthal. Her delicate sensibilities couldn’t handle a brute such as you.”

“Yeah, what he said,” Cousin It barked, like he bought a clue or something.

I rolled my eyes. Gah. Whatever.

To see if they were done puffing their chest out I gave them a brief look-see and something caught my attention. Bake was dressed the same as me, a pair of cutoffs. It was the standard pack uniform, so not weird.

No, the fucked up part was the bloodless one’s clothes. The reddish brown of his knitted sweater reminded me of the color of my skin, so much that it was disturbing, really and his walking sticks were hidden in a pair of black pants. “Waaaaaait a minute…” I looked to one then the other. “Why do you match? Have you…what’s it called… color coordinated?” Huh, well if this didn’t open up doors to other possibilities, I didn’t know what. Couldn’t say I was entirely surprised though; they had been spending an ah-ha-ha-ha-hawful lotta time together. “Soooo, I’m gonna leave the happy couple to…whateverthehell you’re doing and go take Miss Whiter than Snow for a ride.” Wiggle, wiggle.

Sweet n’ low and the Alpaca-in-the-making hissed and sputtered. Guess their delicate sensibilities couldn’t handle me either. Bawhahahaha. Alllll good.

The rest of the way was smooth sailing and before I knew it I was in Little Girl Blue’s front yard, horse and carriage on the ready, just waiting for her to get her ass out of the house. The cattle weren’t her responsibility anymore.

 The all too generous Suckers paid for anything related to our young Stray so I just bribed the coachman to meet me at the right address. The only thing I actually knew about her was how much she hated when Popsicle or Beefcake, or anyone really, spent money on her. No way she’d turn this down if she knew there was no refund _and_ that I paid extra.

“Get out here, Swan!” I howled. “We’re going for a riiiiiide!”

A single eye peeked out through the slit in the door. “Maybe I don’t want to?”

Cue the eye roll. “From the bottom of my heart, I don’t give a fuck.”

She huffed and puffed but didn’t blow her house down. She came stomping out two endless minutes later, slipped on the icy porch and fell right into my arms. “And here I thought you had enough men in your life, Swan,” I scolded her teasingly. “You sure you want to add another to the list?”

Her baby glare and weak push earned her a wide grin, but time was a-wasting so I just grabbed her and plopped her down on the bench seat. “Now stay.” She stuck out her tongue at me, making me snicker.

“How much?” I asked the ancient looking driver.

“Do you have a destination in mind, Sir?” Hoke croaked.

 _Sir?_ I choked on a chuckle. “How far does this get me?” I slapped a handful of bills into his wrinkly hand.

“Um…” he hesitated. “I’m pretty sure this can get you to Seattle and back, Sir.”

Bawhahahaha. Again with the Sir. I liked this guy. “Nah, that won’t be necessary. Just drive us around until we say otherwise.”

The carriage took off just as I parked my fine ass next to Weak-and-Silent. But silence wasn’t my thing so I turned to Birdie, figuring I’d try to piss her off so she’d want to call it a night. Sam couldn’t blame me for being me, now could he? Nah.

She was all dolled up in a skirt and one of half-coat things, plus a pair of hot boots that went up to her knees. “Awww, Swan,” I shoulder checked her carefully. “Got yourself pretty just for me? I’m touched, truly.”

“Alice picked out these clothes,” she mumbled, her cheeks red. “She said I would need them for tonight.”

Well, wasn’t she adorable? “How about making your own decisions?” I didn’t want to judge… A lot. But come ooon, she was a grown woman, and if she couldn’t even choose what to wear…. The not-so-wise-men had a looooong wait ahead of them.

She sighed heavily. “I know. It’s just so hard.”

I rolled my eyes. It was beginning to become a habit. “All I hear is waah waah my vagina hurts. Slap a bandage on it and make a fucking choice.”

She took an unsteady breath and I worried she was about to start bawling. Gah. “You gonna cry?” Paul Lahote did not do well with tears.

“No,” she snapped, with a little more bite to her voice. Good for her.

Silence stretched, which sucked so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “How about you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?” I joked…Well sorta. I was bored, and a little horny. I figured the least she could do was give me a handjob, you know? I expected her to bite my head of, so color me stunned when she giggled. Fucking giggled. And the sound went straight to my dick.

Remembering Sam’s warning to keep her warm I pulled up the faux bearskin to cover our laps, and as we got comfortable I made up my mind; I was gonna get her to make that sound again. Christmas was right around the corner, giving me the perfect in.  “So what kinda gifts do you prefer, Swan? Soft…or hard?” I winked and flicked my tongue. “I bet you like ‘em hard, dontcha? Did you ask Santa for something _hard_ this year?” Annnnnd there went the sexy as fuck giggle again. My cock twitched.

She seemed relaxed, even smiled a little, so I popped the question everyone had been dying to ask her. _No, not that one. What are you, insane?_ “Are you ever gonna put ‘em out of their misery, Swan?” Her smile fell, but I pushed some more. “They’re not ice cream flavors, they’re human beings…well, sorta…Anyway… You can’t have ’em both.”

“I know,” she was back to weak whispers again and it pissed me off.

“For fucks sake, Birdie. You have to know who you want more, or…” I wondered… “Don’t you want either of them?”

Silence.

Oh-hoooo. Color me unsurprised. “So what are you gonna do about it?”

Silence.

Gah. I wanted the sexy giggles back. “How about you go for what’s behind door number three?” I winked and pointed between my thighs, where my big fat cock tented my shorts.

The sound my zipper made when she slooooowly pulled it down, tooth by tooth seemed to echo against the trees. _Holy shit_. I couldn’t believe it.

For the longest time nothing happened while the seconds rushed by us with the speed of a train. _Come on. Touch me. Come ooon. Toooouuucheee meeeeee_. Aching, I almost jumped out of my own skin when one of her soft hands slipped inside of my open fly and hissed a breath between my teeth when she wrapped her fingers around my painfully hard dick. _Holy fucking shit_.

 Pulling her up on my lap I caught her lower lip between my teeth. Hooooly shit she felt good. All female scents and soft curves. What had she been hiding underneath her baggy clothes? Her tit fit the palm of my hand like it was made for me, and the sounds she made as I pinched her nipple made me close to blowing it waaaaay to early.

“Careful,” I whispered and bunched up the skirt, pushing it up around her waist. “I don’t want it to be over too fast.” I rubbed circles over her smooth thighs, closer and closer to the promise land.

By then I was practically humping her hand. I scraped my teeth down her neck screaming on the inside to bite her. To mark her. _Gaaaaah. Don’t bite._ “Lemme touch you, baby.” _Please_.

“Wha…what about...?” she was barely coherent. Me and my wolf loved what we were doing to her. She loved it too. We could smell it on her.

Pressing my nose against the crook of her neck I grinned against her fluttering pulse, “Just be quiet and he’ll never know.” _Riiiight._

The tip of my fingers found her bare and dripping. I wanted to taste her direct from the source, but it had to wait for another time. I sucked one of my fingers into my mouth and growled. Dee-hee-licious.

She was tight, which was expected, soaked, and loud as fuck. “Yesssss, Oh...” gasp, “My…” gasp, “Gooooood….” She squeezed the hell out of me while crying out my name. It was awesome.

I fucked her hand like I would her pussy. “Fuck, baby,” I groaned. “I want you so much.”

“Yesssss, please,” she moaned and I almost fist pumped the air.

Gah. _Fuck yes._ “Wanna help me out,” I held her up with a firm grip on her waist while she freed my cock from my shorts. With minimal direction she lined me up with her sweet entrance and together we slowly lowered her down onto me. “Fuuuuuuck,” I swear, for a moment I saw stars and babies and shit, that’s how perfect she felt.

Her instincts were so fucking on it as she rocked up and down, back and forward. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and my fingers, still soaked from her juices searched out her clit to get her to where I was, ‘cause the way she felt there was just no way I would last. “Perfect…Gah.” Her muscles trembled and I urged her on. “Let go, baby.” I thrust upwards to meet her rolling hips. “Gimme one more, you can do it, baby.”

She cried out my name again as she came and that was all it took for me to blow it. I shouted her name and pressed my lips against her pulse. Hard. _Don’t bite. Don’t bite. Don’t bite_.

Panting. Stillness.

Silence.

“Ummm…” I didn’t know what to say. She could regret it. So could I, but I didn’t. Gah. _She better not regret it._ I hugged her to me and waited for her breathing to calm. “I think we better go see Sam.”  I suggested, hoping she was behind me on that.

I felt her nod against my chest and relaxed some.

After I gave Hoke directions to the rez, the rest of the ride was spent in silence and for once I didn’t hate it.

He was already outside waiting for us when we got to his house. “Paul, what have you done?” Sam groaned.

“What you told me, I made sure she stayed warm.”

 

~To be continued~

 

Big Bird – Chief Swan

Hoke (Colburn) was Morgan Freeman’s character in Driving Miss Daisy

Depends – Adult diapers

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Beta:** Hannah_perry85

 **Disclaimer:** Every recognizable character and situation belong to Stephenie Meyer

 **A/N:** Glad you liked. This is not that funny, but it’ll do

Reminder to you who haven’t read the new and improved first chapter: There is a new and improved first chapter.

 

**2.**

Sam promised to keep his muzzle shut and give us a week to “fuck our way through the sutra” before spilling the beans. My words, not his. Obviously. I told him that if I’d be “spilling” anything it wouldn’t be “beans”.

Bawhahahaha, right? Exactly. Sam didn’t think so, the crusty old fucker.

I waited while Birdie used his phone to call Ron Jeremy and say she’d be bunking with me from now on. She told him it was only for a few days. Potato, tomahto. I planned to change her mind. I could be ve-he-he-hery persuasive when needed.

Meh, whatever you wanted to call it, the point; Birdie was coming home with yours truly. In my house, my bed, for several days and…Mmmm nights. Anything else was just icing on the cake.

Mmmm, icing. Mmmm, frosting. Mmmm, whipped cream. Whipped cream on Birdie. I groaned and made a mental doodle to swing by the store to pick up a few cans. Wonder if a dozen would be enough. Mmmm. Just the thought of licking the creamy goodness from _her_ creamy goodness had me salivating. I watched her from the door, with my shoulder propped up against the frame. She scrunched her cute little nose at whatever Papa Cop was saying. Gah. So fucking adorable. When the giggles started my big, fat cock got hard as rock like it did every time I heard that sound. I worried my buttons would pop and hit her in the eye.

Daaaayum, I need to get some bigger shorts.

One auburn lock of hair kept falling into her eyes, no matter how many times she pushed it back, and Magnum Lectures made her bite her lip, then soothe the tiny teeth marks with a sweep of her pink tongue, which made me growl loud enough for him to hear me through the phone line. She twisted and straightened the cord around her dainty little fingers and shot me a kittenish glare. I laughed at her and she answered with one of those cock-growing giggles.

It was fucking ridiculous. She was the most dangerous girl I’d ever met and just a few hours ago she wasn’t even on my radar; unless you count using her as mock material with Twilight Sparkle and Derpy.

Gah. Whatever.

If she could just hurry up and convince Chief Deputy Dawg that she was a fucking adult so I could throw her over my shoulder and take her the fuck home. I was horny and needed to be inside her sweet pussy so-ho-hoo badly. _Fuuuuuuck._ It’s been at least an hour, what was taking so long?

Just standing there, doing absolutely nothing she had me aching and throbbing. Gaaaah. I was hungry, staaaarving and it wasn’t even for food… Just her… But the thought of fucking her _while_ she cooked me dinner…

 _Dangerous_.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her, or the hot as fuck blush that spread over her cheeks and down her throat. I wanted to strip her out of her clothes just to see how far down it reached. Gaaaah. _Finish talking already._

Then…oh my gaaaah… she popped her hip followed by a little wiggle of her ass and my cock turned into a missile seeking out her heat. I started drooling and Mmmm. I licked my lips and stared at her small but oh so perfectly rounded ass. _Gah_! _Bow-_ _c_ _hica-bow-wow_.

.

_She wraps those hands around that pole_

_She licks those lips and off we go_

_She takes it off nice and slow_

_'Cause that's porn star dancing_

_._

_She don't play nice, she makes me beg_

_She drops that dress around her legs_

_And I'm sittin' right by the stage_

_For this porn star dancing_

_._

_Your body's lightin' up the room_

_And I want a naughty girl like you_

_There's nothing harder to do_

.

I created a mental picture where I undressed her and poured chocolate sauce down her sexy little body. I imagined sucking the sweet goodness from my girl's fiiiiine tits and licking it from her creamy pussy.

Yeah it was time to goooo or I would _go_ right then and there.

She shot me a look over her shoulder, the phone still glued to her ear, and did another slow sweep with her tongue. Gaaaah. Tease.

 “Say buh-bye, babe. It’s time to leave.”

Birdie giggled, and I swear she did that shit on purpose. I gave her a half glare to show her I wasn’t fucking around and when she finally ended the call to Daddy Flanders I tossed her over my shoulder and waved at Samely, “Don’t call us, ‘cause we’ll be busy.” _Damn fucking straight we would be_.

Birdie kicked and squirmed, smacking my back ‘cause she couldn’t reach my fiiiiine ass. Pity really. “Put me down, Paul. I _can_ walk”

I grabbed a handful of ass cheek, both to hold her in place and to cop a feel, “No way, Slow-and-steady,” I chuckled. “Then we won’t get there until next week and my dick can’t wait that long.” 

“ _Hey_ ,” she protested, and drummed a beat against my back. “I’m not _that_ slow.”

“Sure you’re not, Honeylips,” I snickered.

 _Mmmm._ I had a feeling her pussy tasted like honey and cream. The sample I sucked off my fingers hadn’t been enough and I planned on feasting on her for days if she’d let me.

But first I needed to get her behind closed doors, ‘cause however fuckhot it would be to take her outside again where anyone could catch us, I figured she needed to work up to that. Besides, if Sparkly or Barky ever saw her bare assed and wanting I’d have to kill ‘em. I’d fucking enjoy it, too. My wolf growled in agreement, he was just as territorial as I was.

A tremble rocked Birdie’s small frame, and even with my huuuge... _ego_ I didn’t think it was ‘cause she had it bad for me. I mean, I knew she did, but she was also freezing her butt off. Guilt was not something I was familiar with, mostly ‘cause I was never in the wrong, but this… Yeah, I fucked up. Everyone wasn’t immune against the cold… I had to make it up to her. I grinned and licked my lips, already tasting her on them and picked up the pace.

 _Gah_. I wanted inside of her again. It’s been what… two hours now? It would not fucking do. I walked faster.

The girl soooo wanted me, and I didn’t need her sexy moans when my fingers slipped to tell me that. She didn’t need to come home with me. She was just as safe from Twink and Wolf in her own house as she was in mine. Limpy was smart enough to stay away from my casa on all days ending in Y, but she didn’t know that. She wanted the dick, no lie.

Finally, after for-fucking-ever my house came into view and I ran the rest of the way. I almost tore the door off its hinges and it shook as it slammed into the wall.

I carried her inside and made sure the door was closed before I made quick work of the clothes she was wearing. “I’ll get you new ones,” I vowed, while probably not so secretly thinking she should be naked alllll the time, ‘cause woah.

Her mouth looked good enough to fuck, but if I tried to get my big fat cock in between her pouty sugar lips she’d end up looking like one of those blow up dolls. Practical I’m sure, but she was waaaaay too pretty for that. Nah, I’d be happy putting her tongue to good use though. _Gah…_

When I finally laid eyes on her tits in the flesh I thanked whoever listened. “’Cause Daaaayum.” Yeah, I totally said it out loud. It made my girl giggle so it was alllll good. But seriously, daaaayum. They weren’t big, but on her they looked perfect. Full and perky, and oh so soft with pointy nipples that scratched my palms when I took them in my hands. _Fuuuuuuck_. The rest of her tight bod was a little on the skinny side, which made me want to feed her something other than my dick, but still managed to be soft where it counted. _Huh_.

She pushed closer to me, and I let out a needy whimper when her hot breath tickled my skin.

Rip, rip, rip and my shorts joined her rags on the floor. “Babe,” I panted into her half open mouth. “It’s been too long. I can worship you next time but now…I just gotta have you.” I was prepared to beg if it meant I would feel her tight pussy vice my dick within the next two seconds. 

“Please,” she moaned and almost killed me by rubbing her wet as fuck pussy against my thigh. “I don’t want to wait.”

That was all I needed to hear. Growling I lifted her up into my arms and speared her with my cock.

“Fuuuuuuck,” I shouted. Her muscles squeezed me and screwed my eyes shut. How could it feel better every time?

With her legs wrapped around me, I lifted her by her ass until the head of my dick barely touched her entrance and dropped her until she enveloped me again. Lift, drop, repeat.

Her tits bounced hypnotically in front of my eyes. They looked so fucking good I swear my cock hardened inside of her as I bent down and took one of her raspberry nips into my mouth.

Instead of chasing the sexplosion like I wanted, fucking _needed,_ I took my time with her. Pulling almost all the way out and then thrusting back in, over and over. I was just as desperate for the release as I had been an hour ago, but I wanted it to last. Forever if possible.

She sobbed and whimpered, and clawed her fingers down my back every time I bottomed out inside of her. Sooo hot. I hated that the marks would be healed by the next day. I wanted her marks on me. My eyes found her neck and the same thoughts as before pop, pop, popped up inside my head. I wanted _my_ mark on _her_.

Turned out forever wasn’t possible; all too soon my balls tightened and the tingling at the base of my spine served as a warning. _Sensation overload_. “Babe, babe, babe,” I chanted, my eyes rolling to the back of my head. “You gotta come babe, I can’t hold it.” I was shaking so fucking hard I was afraid I’d drop her if I reached between us to pinch her clit. “Touch yourself for me, babe,” I begged her frantically, still moving her up and down my cock. Her muscles fluttered, but she hadn’t reached all the way. Sweat poured down my chest. Soooo close. “ _Please_!”

One hand left my shoulder and despite the lack of visual, it didn’t take a genius to know she did as she was told. “Gaaawd, Paul,” she shrieked and her pussy clamped down around me.

Hooooleeee fuuuuck. _Don’t bite, don’t bite, don’t bite_.  I impaled her one last time and shot off load after load inside of her. “Babe, babe, babe, babe,” I chanted over and over as I spilled, spilled, spilled my jizz.

My legs were wobbly when I carried her to my room and crawled into bed with her a small eternity later. Holding her close I stroked her hair. “So good,” I murmured. We were barely awake, but I didn’t want to sleep and miss out on my time with her.

She had put a spell on meand I didn’t even care. I kissed her cheek, her cute little nose a

We were both wiped, but I couldn’t help myself and slipped my girl some tongue. She smelled like me and my wolf and I looooved it. I hardened against her hip and she whimpered. I knew she’d be sore. Better go out and pick an icicle to cool her with later.

She wasn’t my imprint, and not a scratch could be found on her neck, but dammmmn I marked her good from the inside out and was ready to go again.

But first, sleep.

A couple of hours later after some zees, I fulfilled my fantasy by fucking her on top of my kitchen table while a casserole cooked in the oven.

_I could get used to this._

 

~To be continued~

  

 **Derpy** ,

also known as Muffins and Ditzy Doo, is a female Pegasus pony who was given the name Derpy Hooves by the show's internet following due to her cross-eyed "derpy" expression in the first episode.

 

**Wolf**

*In gay terms, a semi-hairy, gay male who needs to have a lot of sex.

_Man, he sure is a wolf!_

*A younger, muscular hairy man with facial hair, predatory by nature, more lean than a bear and more muscular than an otter. Wolfs are often found in the social company of bears and otters.

Tom: _Check out that lean, hairy muscle boy!_

Pete: _Oh yeah! He's a total wolf!_

 

**Twink**

A term often used in homosexual circles to describe a man with a smooth, youthful, only slightly-muscular, physique.


	3. Chapter 3

**The usual disclaimer for fanfiction apply**

**Beta is still my Hannah_perry85.** She puts up with a lot of my shit

 

I nudged her puffy, pink lips open with the tip of my nose and inhaled deeply. Her legs rested on my shoulders, and she was spread out before me like a smorgasbord full of creamy goodness. 

I leafed through her folds like they were pages in a book and used my tongue to write the ABCs on her clit. _Deeeelicious_. I wanted to bathe in her fucking juices – fuck juices, heh – and from the way she trembled and shook; arched and writhed; squealed and moaned, I was going to. So hot.

I slipped her a second finger and curled them just so. It made me wish my tongue was bigger and longer, like my wolf’s, so it could join my fingers inside of her. _Wonder if she’d let him go down on her…? Nah, too weird._

My big, fat cock ached and I humped the mattress to relieve some pressure. I wasn’t getting any until I made her come three times, that was the deal. I was up to two and a half, and I was not about to give up so close to home. 

My girl started mewling in that fucking awesome way she did when she was close and tightened her thighs around my head. “Ah, aah, aaah, aaaah!” Her pussy squeezed my fingers so hard I was sure she’d break them off.

 _Scoooore_.

I flipped her over like she weighed nothing, and was on her before she could let out her fifth aaaaah. _Fuuuuck_. I loved her…pussy.

I palmed her ass cheeks like it was my fucking job, which it damn well should be, and gave it a slap. Then another, just to watch the globes jiggle before me. _Beauuuuutiful_.

My hand landed on her bucking behind three more times, _smack, smack, smack_ , decking her ass with pink, the shape of my hand.

Gaaaah. Nothing turned me on like seeing my marks on her. I dug my fingers into her hips, which I swear felt fucking fuller – fuller fucking, heh - since our first time a week ago, and growled when my thumbs made indentations in her soft skin. Gaaaah. I wanted to mark her everywhere. I wanted to tattoo my fucking name on her fucking pussy – pussy fucking, heh – but I could wait. She had to get rid of Spanky and the butt Bandit first, after that she’d be alllll mine, and wouldn’t leave my bed. Ever. Gaaaah. I couldn’t fucking wait.

The sight of her ass made my big, fat cock double in size and I just haaad to slide it in her crack and I pushed her cheeks together. Sooo fucking good.

She shuddered every time the head of my dick hit her pucker, and big ideas popped into my di-hi-hiiiirty mind, would she let me get a poke in? I thought about it, and tried to aim my cock to hit her hole with every stroke, but I decided _nah._ I’d split the poor girl in half, and that meant less fucking. Fucking less, _I_ shuddered at that. Whatta nightmare.

Freaked out I used my knees to spread her legs wiiide to keep her down and slammed into her from behind and covered her with my body. “ _Fuuuuck._ ”

I pressed my palm between her shoulder blades to pin her beneath me. I wanted her below me, at my mercy, forced to just take, take, take me. I was wound so fucking tight that the smallest shift from her and I’d be good and done, but if she kept still I’d make us both feel gooood. “Ugh. Soooo gooood.”

I rolled my hips and looked down to watch my cock sink into her body over and over. Nothing could beat the sight of that, nothing. Except maybe her cum face. But that was it.

I pulled myself up onto my knees and took Birdie with me, having to support her by palming her tits. No complaints, ‘cause daaaayum I would feel her up all day if I could.

“Ah, aah, aaah,” Birdie’s pussy clamped down on my cock and she flailed her arms, trying to hold on to something before settling for the rucked up sheets. I had to slow down or else I was gonna pop one inside of her waaaaay too early. It also made me realize that I needed to spring for a headboard. Just the thought of hearing it bang against the wall while I pounded her almost made me fountain out. Fucking hot. Then Birdie let out this deep moan that I felt from my scalp all the way to my toes, and slowing down was no longer an option. I pumped my hips like I was doing push-ups at a million miles per hour and then I was just _there._

_Don’t bite, don’t bite, don’t bite…yet._

The hickey took form under my sucking lips. Another mark to add to the list. Wouldn’t be the last, not if I had anything to say about it.

We burned and we crashed in the best way possible. My knees gave out and I managed a little duck-and-roll to keep from crushing her. My big, fat cock stayed inside of her the whole time, where it belonged. I couldn’t get enough of her and I didn’t fucking want to.

It took fucking forever – forever fucking, yes please – for our breathing to calm. I pulled out and hopped over to her other side just so I could look at her.

She smiled at me, all sexy and sleepy-eyed. “Hi.”

I grinned and tucked her close, my heart literally swelling in my chest. “Hi yourself, babe.” 

She felt softer and not as skinny, like she’d put on weight during our time together. Which was weird ‘cause I fucked her about as much as I fed her, you’d think they’d cancel each other out… Must be my all powerful jizz. Lots of protein and shit, and she had probably swallowed about a gallon or two. My cock twitched just thinking about it. She was all tongue and lips and just a hint of teeth, and it was the best blowjob I’d ever had. And it didn’t fuck up her face, like I worried it would. Win-win if I do say so myself.

We had done way more than fucking and eating. We had gotten to know each other, too.. At first she talked more in her sleep than when she was awake. I got rock hard every time she’d whisper my name, and ended up waking her to hear her scream it. She’d mumbled Emo and Black of the Wild’s name once or twice, too. I didn’t fucking like that, at all, but I wasn’t worried. But it did make me hold her just a little tighter. She was the quiet type. As in, she didn’t talk just to talk. Nah, when my Birdie talked it was because she had something to say. I liked that in a girl. The chicks who did nothing but yap, yap, yap… Fuck that for a turn off. I had better use for their mouths.

I wasn’t about bullshitting me. I knew I loved Birdie. And as soon as she dumped, Dick and Gut, the Less brothers I was gonna tell her. I didn’t give a fuck if it was fast. If it was right, it was right. And I felt the rightness every time I touched her.

My bladder decided I’d been awake long enough, and demanded to be emptied, but I didn’t want to leave the bed. Groaning I burrowed my face underneath her sweet smelling hair. It was our last day of freedom before half of the Village People came a knockin’ singing their own rendition of YMCA, with Jakey boy as the great, big A and the leech as the _why_.

They’d want to chat her up, and I was fine with that, sorta…I just didn’t want them upsetting her. Stinky and the No Brainer couldn’t see longer than their own wants and haves, and coming from me that was saying something. Gah. This was gonna suck.

I heard him long before he was at the door. “Sam has called a meeting,” Seth called.

Our time was up.

 

 **A/N:** To compensate for this chapter being just sex, there will be no sex next chapter. You’re welcome ;)


	4. Chapter 4

* Winner of  “Best Paul/Bella”, “Best Quote”, and “The Underfictionated” in the 2016 Non-Canon Award.

I can’t thank you enough.

 

* From March to May there are too many anniversaries of the not good kind than I can count, so those months always sucks.

Add renovations that was supposed to be three weeks, but are now closing in on eleven… There hasn’t been much writing.

Thank you for your patience.

 

* Feel like you’re missing something when you read? There will be an outtake to fill you in at a later date.

 

**The usual disclaimers for fanfiction applies.**

**Usually Hannah_perry85 betas but she’s away for the week and I couldn’t wait. Sorry for the mistakes, I’ll replace this chapter when she worked her magic on it**

 

**4.**

When we broke through the treeline thirty odd minutes later I was back to being me. Birdie and Sam worried at first, but I proved me right by suggesting she sucked me off. ‘Cause her breath was the only thing not smelling of eau de moi, and that was a daaaamn shame if you asked me. Which they didn’t.

Ruiner of my fun.

The music started the moment my foot touched the grass and I wanted to back off and try again to see if the lawn acted as an on/off button, but Sam wouldn’t let me. My puppy-eyed pout didn’t work on him. Baha Men’s belting and barking out ‘Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof’ made my eyes do somersaults in their sockets. Not entirely comfortable. Neither was admitting I was impressed.

I had to give it to them though, doing this took guts, balls and humor. Who knew they had any.

Birdie’s sweet breath hit my shoulder as she hummed against my skin, “You can put me down now.”

It was hot, it was wet, it tickled and it went straight to my dick. Scwiiiiiiiiing! “Sorry babe,” I whispered, just to give her the illusion of privacy since every-fucking-body could hear me anyway.

“I better hold on to you a little longer,” or forever, whichever came first, “‘cause the size of my big, fat cock would make ‘em cryyyy with envy.”

She giggled.

“Nooooot helping,” I whimpered, already aching. What? It had been a half an hour. _Maybe more_. Good thing I had this fuckawesome balance going on ‘cause without it I would’ve face planted every time my blood went south. “You’re killing me, baby.” I dipped my head and planted one on her.

She moaned into my mouth.

 _Take that, fuckers_.

I wanted to rub their nose in it – not literally – but Birdie put a stop to that. “Be good.”

…Naaaaaah.

Lowering her slooooowly to the porch floor, I rubbed her bits against my pieces and stroked her back from ass to neck. Her gasp was loud enough for Stinky and the Stool Pigeon to hear even without supernatural hearing. “Baby, you know I’m only good when I’m baaaaaad.” I grinded my big, fat cock against her, so she could feel how hard she made me. “Your fault.”

 _Truth_.

Before I could get to the gooood parts the door was thrown open. It slammed into the wall with the force of it and not so suddenly I stood face to asses with a Katy Perry song.

Birdie’s cheeks burned bright.

After offered them a small finger wave, “Oh, hi girls, didn’t see you there,” I pushed past them, holding my girl close and just outta reach from their grabby hands.

‘Cause the wolf might’ve calmed the hell down, but there was no fucking way I was letting her leave my side.

Possessive much? Ummm…. No…. And yes. But mostly no.

 _Gaaaah._ _Whatever_.

I had my reasons. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust them, it was just that I didn’t trust them. That and Birdie tensing up when we stepped over the threshold, and I liked to have my hands all over her…. _And_ rub their nose in it. Again, _not_ literally.

Looking around I saw the Bitchy, Chew toy-y and Wifey sitting one the white couch.

The androgynous one - what? I read - stood by the wall of windows with its white curtains, Dr. Drac and Goliath stood by one of the white walls. I looked down on the white carpet. Everything was white. It was waaaay too clean, it made me wanna dirty it up. Paul style.  “I see you got yourself a pet. I hope he’s housebroken, these carpets must be hell to clean.”

 _Heh_.

...

Nothing.

I shrugged. “I thought it was funny.” Birdie giggle.

_Bad girl._

Peck sorta danced over to us in that jerky way, like one of those wind-up ballerinas thingys and handed me a bag.

“Umm?” _Thanks?_

“It’s a pair of panties,” she squealed. “I had a feeling you’d need them.”

… It had to be the most uncomfortable situation I had ever been in. Probably.

Edgina’s stink eye made it better. At least some of it. Still… ”Ummmmmmm?” I didn’t want my girl’s pussy smelling like corpse. That shit was just nasty. Ughhhhh. I shuddered.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t touch them. Only the sales lady has, I made sure of it.”

“Huh,” well will you look at that. Disturbing, yet practical. I got down on one knee, grinning like a goof kinda and I helped her into the undies. It wasn’t as fun as ripping them off her, but good enough. They were pink, frilly and slick. Very rippable looking.  

Back on my feet I planted a small one on her nose.

She giggled.

_I fucking love her._

Pansy did a Regan and pussyglared at me.

_Oups. Sorry, not sorry._

His put his nose in the air and like it was all the way up God’s ass crack. They should make it into a song. Up where he belongs, sung by Joe _Crack_ er and Jenny from the Block.

“Grrrrrrrr.”

Bawhahahaha.

That shit will never get old.

After I finished my repertoire of Yo Mama jokes and was halfway through singing Bolton’s greatest hits I noticed the awkward tension in the room.

Everyone stared.

“Um, why do I get a feeling that I missed something?”

Birdie giggled. I got hard-er. Good times. I licked my lips and took in a whiff of our scents. Perfection. I sniffed her some more, and then again, and again. I would have done it a fourth time but Snowflake decided to add his stench. _Gag_.

The dude had B.O like nobody’s business. Golgothan ring a bell? This was waaaaay worse. I mean waaaaay. You’d think someone with all the time in the world would remember to shower. I mean, woah.

“Ahem,” Mama Deadite cleared her throat and gestured to the humongous table. “Why don’t you take a seat,” she suggested with a tightlipped smile, all choked and out of breath. Guess we didn’t smell to great either.

_Payback, bitch._

The pack eyed the flimsy looking chairs skeptically.

Sam answered for all of us. “We’re okay to stand, thank you.”

So of course Leah pulled out a chair and sat down at the head of the table.

I shook my head. _Kids. Can’t take them anywhere._

Lady and the Tramp did an about face and turned their sickly sweet smiles on Birdie. “Come sit with us, Bella.” Their voices eerie, like those girls in The Shining.

And since when did one and another one turn into an us? Interesting. But not really.

“Um, how about no.” I half carried-half dragged her over to one of the chairs and sat down with her on my lap.

I waited for the sound of wood snapping but it never came. _Huh. Whaddaya know._ These things were sturdier than they looked.

“Paul,” she hissed all embarrassed and her face took on the same shade as a stop sign.

On her that usually meant go, but I had a feeling this was a wrong time/space kinda deal, unless…  “You rather sit on my face?” I could get behind that, and under, on top… My eyes rolled back as I pictured it. There might have been drool.

Homina, homina, homina.

I was so fucking boooooored. And horny. _And_ hungry. I just wanted to go home so I could fuck my girl while eating dinner, from her body… Gaaaaaaaah. “Can we get this over with?” _Some of us has sexy as fuck girlfriends who are total freaks in the bedroom_ and _out._

Orphan Eddie hissed.

I snickered. _Don’t be jealous. You wouldn’t know what to do with her anyway._

He took a step closer, his pretty-boy face twisted in a sneer. “Did you think you would get away with it? I bet you didn’t expect your Alpha to tell on you?”

“Pffffft. The only whistleblower here is this one,” I pinched Birdie’s thigh, making her yelp. She slapped my chest, I wiggled my brows.

O was met with a sea full of frowny faces, except for Big and Tall, he cackled like a derange chicken.

I grinned. “ _He_ gets it.”

More empty stares.

I scowled. “Don’t you watch Glee?”

They all looked like walking, talking…or rather sitting, gawking question marks. “You know,” I whistled the intro, and sang, “Can you blow my whistle baby? Whistle baby? Let me know. Girl, I’m gonna show you how to do it, and we’ll start real slow. You just put your lips together and you come real close. Can you blow my whistle baby? Whistle baby? Here we go.”   

…

Birdie moaned.

Speaking of music…

One of the hottest sound in the world. Second only to her giggles. Hooded eyes, dilated pupils, quick breathing, enhanced scent. You didn’t have to be familiar with the signs to know what was up with her. My girl had it baaaaaad. “Not fair, baby,” I half whispered, half groaned. I wanted to throw her down on the table and fuck her stupid. Afterwards I’d let the wolf rip the eyes outta anyone who had been watching.

I felt him, clawing to get out.

 _Mine_.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t as calm as I thought. _Gaaaaah. Whatever._

“Later.” The word was as much a promise to her as it was a threat to the little Misses Priss and Piss. ‘ _Touch her, or even think about touching her and I’m gonna beat you until you wish you never been born and then I’m gonna continue until you wish the same about every fucking twig on your family tree. Got that?_ ’

With a scrunched expression that made him look constipated – not surprising since he hadn’t taken a dump in almost hundred years - Edweird pinched his nose, before turning his beady eyes in my girl “I cannot deny my disappointment, but I understand it was something you needed to get out of your system before committing yourself to me.” He sat down on the small couch - what were they called, loveseat? – next to Judas - hmmm, interesting - and adjusted his fancy-pants. “Fortunately you will go through the changed before any…diseases can take hold.”

“Careful now,” I snickered, “insults makes me horny.”

Instead of answering he nodded to Benedict Arnold who for some reason felt the need to repeat what his Butt buddy has said. “I’m pissed, but I guess it could be worse. Just get yourself tested before coming to me we don’t know where he’s been.” He snarled at me.

“Ooooh, I’m getting a chubby.”

“Since we’re on the topic of insults…” the blonde one snarked.

Birdie stiffened and I narrowed my eyes at the bitchpire.

“I don’t understand what she sees in you.”

I burst out laughing, ‘cause seriously? “I could show you, but then I’d have to whip my cock out and I don’t want to make your Double dude cry. His life is already FUBAR since he’s stuck with you.”

I thought I saw her crack a smile, but it was gone so fast I couldn’t be sure. “You’ll do.”

_Whatever._

“Thanks, but no one asked you.”

_Meeeow._

I grinned at the girl in my lap. Birds really did have claws.

_I love you._

Big speeches and declarations wasn’t my thing, I was a shifter, and we were more about the language of our bodies than what came out of our mouths. Besides I didn’t need to say the words, there was no way she didn’t know already. I pushed a loose curl behind her ear and kissed her forehead. “I love it when you defend me, baby.”

Glares and grins, all around. But still…

“Boooooring.”

I wanted to go home and go to town on my girl. All I needed was a hot shower, a hot meal and my hooooooooot woman. At the same time if I had anything to say about it.

Lacing our fingers together, the back of her hand to my palm, I let them roam up and down her waist, hips and thighs; pulling her skirt higher with every up, and lowering at every down, to keep her from doing a Marilyn where she was watched by others than me. Her panties covered the goods and kept them from getting a clear visual, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Do you have any idea how hard that was? It was bad enough that Stroppy could read minds. You didn’t need to be a genius to know what he saw in mine. All porn, all day and night. And guess who would be the star?

_Fuuuuck._

When we left here I would remain sheathed inside of her for a…. 

_Oh my fucking..._

I would _impale_ her…Sink into her sweeeeeet pussy _to the hilt_ …Where I would stay _sheathed_ inside her…

Bawhahahaha. My cock was a sword. And not one of those puny, plastic shitty things you got with those fruity girl drinks at bars, but a huge, heavy broadsword. Yeah.

Heh. I liked that.

 I nudged Birdie to get her attention. “Wanna go home and polish my broad sword?” wiggle, wiggle.

“Saaaam,” Yuck whined. “Make him stooooop.”

Slooooowly I turned to face our dareless leader. “I only listen to people telling me what to do when I’m tied up and naked,” I winked and added another wiggle, wiggle.

_Heh._

He glared. I laughed. Alllll good.

I didn’t count on my girl’s indignant gasp and it made the day a fucklot better. “That’s private,” she hissed.

“Um, babe?” I didn’t lower my voice, ‘cause what’s the use, and I didn’t want annnnnnybody to miss this. “I’m not the one who gave it away.” She frowned, I nodded. “Think about it.”

Her cheeks burned. I tried not to laugh, I really did, but…

_Bawhahahahah._

I had a plan. It didn’t work for shit when I tried it on Birdie a week ago  - thank fuck - but I had a feeling I could get Courage the cowardly dog and Mama Muriel to snap without even trying. There might even be tears…

“Please let there be tears.”

Silence. Stares and glares.

_Huh?_

_Whatever._

Time for operation ‘Get Kicked Out of the House So I Can Take My Girl Home and Fuck Her Brains Out’, or GKOotHSICTMGHaFHBO for short.

“So Aslan,” ‘cause Jake was one giant pussy, “level with me buddy. Do you always bottom, or do you switch?”

Biggie guffawed and Sam sounded like he was choking. Ambiguous looked intrigued and eyed Gaston and Beast with a twink in his eye.

Ummm.

…Moving on.

“And youuuuu,” I turned to the Weasley brother too ugly to make the books, “so I read a few of those vampire romance books, ‘cause I like to educate myself. The bloodsuckers were all mysterious, beautiful and charismatic and thennnnn... there’s _you_.” I shook my head with pity. “How come you got the short end of the stick?”

I swear the dude pouted. That was all.

Disappointing.

“While this is all very entertaining why don’t we listen to what Bella has to say,” Vampire M.D said, throwing a pebble in the way of my awesome roll. Guess I was done.

And I hadn’t even used my best ones.

It made _me_ pout.

Meh, nothing Birdie couldn’t kiss better. The sooner the better. _Gaaaah_. Much longer and I would die of blue balls. Which was soooo a possible way to die. Anybody claiming otherwise were either lying their balls off or didn’t have any, because daaaaaaamn. I was in paaaaaaain.

Since I was _hurting_ I tuned out most of the oh so interesting convos going on around me but when I felt her entering freak mode I swung riiiiiiiiight back. I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her closer until my shaft was pressed between her cheeks, I didn’t move another muscle, not even to make a tiny upthrusts. That’s how much I cared. 

When I felt her relax I narrowed my eyes at the one responsible. I didn’t need to be a mind reader, or even hear a word of what they had talked about, Birdie was upset and that was more than enough for the wolf to lift his head and roar.

As long as I was breathing I’d make sure no one messed with my girl. I was the only one allowed and oh-ho-booooy did she like that. I licked my lips. Mmmm hm. Me and my big, fat cock knew how to take goooooood care of my woman. My Birdie. My…

I pressed my nose behind her ear and inhaled. Fuuuuuuck she smelled amazing. I would never get enough of the way our scents mixed and mingled to come out as something entirely different and new. I could sniff out the scent that was pure us even surrounded by human sized stink bombs. That’s how special it was.

The lounge lizard was trying to move in on my woman. Technically I did the moving in on first, but that was Madame Butt-erfly’s fault. I couldn’t have done any moving if the spot hadn’t been vacated.

 _Gaaaaaaaah._ I couldn’t wait until I could throw her down and fuck her. I eyed the fluffy, white carpet beneath my bare feet…

Nah. I could probably, maybe wait a little longer…

 _Very_ little.

I put myself back in supportive boyfriend mood.

Boyfriend. How weird was that? I hadn’t been called that since my balls dropped and here I was loving the fuck outta that title. I really was growing up.

“Who do you think would win in a fight; you or the Rock biter?” Okay, maybe not _tha_ t much.

They ignored me for the sake of the ongoing argument. I let them.

“You were never going to change me despite your promise,” Birdie’s voice wasn’t louder than a whisper, “how could we have been together?”

With a shake of my head, to clear it from whatever I started paying attention, for really real this time.

“But, Love,” Poopy Small-Cock-ing sniveled. “I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason you lost your soul.”

I waited for him to yell _Syke_ and start braying like the donkey he was, and waited, and waited. Birdie stiffened in my arms.

 _Holy fuck, he’s serious._ _Can you say pretentious?_

“Question,” I interrupted again, but not really ‘cause no one was talking. “Are you soulless ‘cause you’re a vampire or because you’re a ginger?”

“Paul!” Sam barked.

“What? I’m curious.” It was a valid question.

“Please.” Birdie sounded tired. Sad.

I shifted her around on my lap until she straddled my waist. I brushed her hair away from her face and pressed a kiss her nose. “Okay.”

“I just want this to be over so I can go home.”

Home? Whose home? Mine? _Hers_? I felt nauseous. I couldn’t lose her. It wasn’t a fucking option. I gnashed my teeth.

She nuzzled my chest. I hoped that meant _something_.

I bucked my hips and squeezed her ass. I squeezed, she squirmed. She squirmed, I squeezed. _Something_.

My insecurities left a metallic taste on my tongue. Kinda like blood. I didn’t like it. _Pussy._ Don’t get me wrong, there was nah-haa-haaathing wrong with pussy. Unless you felt like one, ‘cause that usually meant you were about to get fucked.

She returned to sitting back to chest and continued. “I love you, Edward…” Birdie spoke softly, but her words cut like a knife. I almost checked to see if the blood was pouring out of my chest. And by almost I meant I did and that it wasn’t. Sure as fuck felt like it though. But no matter how much I didn’t want to hear what she had to say I had to listen, ‘cause that was what she needed from me. I splayed my fingers over her stomach and rubbed my thumbs just below her belly button. Her hand found mine and laced our fingers together and just like that I could breathe again.

Paleface puffed his chest and looked like the cat that ate the canary. If the cat was a pussy, and the canary was the wolf I’d bet my left nut I would smell on his breath if I got within sniffing distance of his mouth. I couldn’t hold back the gag.

“I love you, too,” his smile was smarmy and bird swallowing. _My_ bird. I wanted to smash his ferrety face in.

The gag made a repeat performance.

Birdie ignored his suckupping and continued. “…But I’m not _in_ love with you.”

“I would never dream of asking for more than you are willing to offer, love,” dick breath vowed. “Whatever you feel able to give me is more than enough.”

 _Yawn._ He should buy a clue and realize they were never, ever, ever getting back together. If only Birdie wasn’t so against hurting their _feelings_. Had it been up to me I would’ve just say she was over them and under me, and that would’ve been that.

“How can you say that?” Her voice broke but I held off on throwing her over my shoulder caveman style and taking her back home. But fuck me if it wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  “You don’t deserve what I did. No one does. How can you say my love is enough when I let him,” the corner of her lips twisted into a grimace as she pointed at Brown noser, “kiss me, and _I kissed him back_.”

…Riiiiight. I had forgotten about the saliva swapping.

Forgotten, repressed, whatthefuckever.

There was a joke hidden in those words but I just…ughhhhh.

And theeeeeere goes the upchuck.

Everyone stared.

Cricket sounds.

“Don’t mind me, I just threw up a little in my mouth.”

Conan the Barbie had his own bird eating grin.

 _I hope you choke on it_.

“Come on Bells, you know you liked it.”

I swear the fucker had a death wish, and I was all too happy to help him with that. 

“Baby,” I murmured and curled my fingers into claws before moving my shaking hands from her belly to her hips, “do you mind sitting by yourself for a sec, I just gotta…”

Birdie’s tiny hands cuffed my wrists. “No, don’t,” she pleaded.

“Are you protecting that fucker?” ‘Cause that’s how it sounded to me.

From the look of the grin Dead Man Walking was sporting he thought so, too.

But that **shit didn’t fly** with Birdie, and her next word poked a hole in his perverted little fantasy. “I didn’t want to kiss you, Jake. I never did.” She placed her hand over my heart and raised her chin, silently asking for a kiss.

Who was I to deny her. I flicked her bottom lip with my tongue before sucking on it. _Mmmmmmmm._

Through the corner of my eye I peeked Ariel and Flounder flapped their gums, looking like fish on land. I almost felt bad for them, but not.

My girl had a mean streak. Was it weird that it turned me on?

“Then why the fuck did you kiss me?” Chicken little barked.

“Hey!” I shouted, ‘cause fuck that noise. “Watch your fucking mouth.”

“I didn’t want you to get yourself killed.”

She was exhausted. I could fear it in the tension radiating from her body and hear it in the forced indifferent in her voice.

“Might as well have,” the Lounge lizard groused.

 _That’s it._ “Just fucking stop, I’m so sick of you two acting like she owes you something when you’re the one who’s been tearing her to pieces.” Birdie shivered and I wrapped my arms around her to share my heat. Iron closet opened his mouth, but I shut him up with snapping, “I’m not fucking finished!”

Birdies lips on my jaw soften my snarl into a smile and I dipped my head to meet her lips with mine. “Just say the word and we’re outta here.” _Just try and stop us_.

“Alice!” Ice Cube sounded as if his balls had been glued to the inside of his thighs and someone tried to cut the pubes to get them off…Or so I imagined. “How could you do this to me?”

_Say what now?_

“I saw this coming,” Polly pocket chirped.

One cricket silence coming right up.

“Bawhahahaha,” I howled with laughter. “Didn’t see _that_ coming, did you?”

Birdie giggled.

_Scwiiiiiiiing._

“I love you.”

…

…

…

_Did anyone else hear that?_

…

“Say that again, baby.” I begged, ‘cause I had to be sure.

All I saw was flushed skin and shining eyes. She had never looked more beautiful. Not even when I was buried inside of her. “I love you.”

 _Fuuuuuuck._ She proved me wrong, ‘cause sometimes you needed the words. A lot. “Enough to put a ring on it?” My grin being all kinds of goofy and I couldn’t care less.

She giggled. “Ye…”

There was no buh-byes or seeya laters. Ain’t nobody got time for that. My woman said yes and we needed to celebrate.

The second we crossed the border she was naked and I pushed her up against the very same tree we humped on our way there. 

With my fly down, my cock out, I sank into her sweeeeeeeeeeet pussy. I groaned. “Again.”

“I love you.”

My hips rocked and rolled, pounded into her hard, fast, ‘cause I wouldn’t last long. The words spilled from my lips as the telltale tingles started at the base of my spine. “I love you.”

She screamed my name, her pussy tightened around my big, fat cock. I felt it, soooo close.

 _Don’t bite, don’t bite, don’t bite_. _Aw, fuck it._

My teeth clamped down over her throbbing pulse.

I emptied inside of her, roaring, growling, with jerky thrusts as her muscles bit down on my big fat cock a second time. “I love you, Bella! I love you so much.”

 

 

 

 

 

The End

Sorta

 

Something outtake-ish, epilogue-ish and future take-ish will follow…

 

 

**Thank you for reading**

 

 

 

**Songs mentioned in this chapter**

BAHA MEN  - Who let the dogs out

Hot and Cold - Katy Perry (referenced to as “a Katy Perry song” )

Up where we belong – Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

Whistle - Flo’ Rida

Taylor Swift - We are never ever getting back together

Beyoncé - Single ladies

 

**Explanations and origins. In no particular order.**

Scwiiiiiiiiing!  - Wayne’s World

Jenny from the Block – Meaning Jennifer Lopez, when that song came out she was famous…sorta… for her ass.

Regan - from The Exorcist, played by Linda Blair.

 

Stool pigeon - According to thesaurus dotcom this is a synonym for traitor. Doubtful, but it cracked me up.

Golgothan – Shit demon. Seen in Dogma

Snowflake –  a derogatory term for a white person.

Deadite - A human, animal, or object that has been possessed.

A sea full of frowny faces – This, or something like this is a quote from Greek.

The Warblers, led by Hunter Clarington (Nolan Gerard Funk) sang Whistle by Flo’ Rida at Sectionals. S4E08. I wrote the lyrics by ear, so sorry for any mistakes

FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition/Repair

Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked – I can’t remember exactly where I read it. A meme or writing prompt on Pinterest…I think.

Syke -  Basically street slang for pretending, used in place of "playin" or "jokin".

Polly Pocket is a toy line of dolls and accessories. The name comes from the fact that many of the original Polly Pocket dolls came in pocket-size cases

Brown noser – Ass kisser. It fits

No disrespect for Mr. Cube, but when it comes to the Ices’ I prefer Mr. T. Loooooove me some BodyCount

Homina - A word, normally repeated three times, to express shock, befuddlement, or general speechlessness. Often when looking at a particularly attractive member of the speaker's favored sex. It probably comes from Ralph Kramden on "The Honeymooners."

Chicken (n.) – a young homosexual male seeking older men; see also: Chicken hawk, referring to an older gay male looking for younger partners.

Iron closet (n.) – individual in deep denial about their own sexuality, one who might never come out.

Lounge lizard (n.) – someone who frequents bars, trying to pick up other people's’ mates.

Rock Biter - from The Neverending Story. He lived on rocks and had a bicycle that looked rather like a steamroller with pedals until he became hungry and ate it.

Goliath - While he wasn’t an actual giant, 6’9 is still big. Emmett is probably shorter than that though. Meh, doesn’t matter.

Peck - A word used to insult Midgets and Dwarfs. From Willow.


	5. Outtake

I’ve been told that some things were confusing in this chapter, like the nicknames and whose house they were going to.

I disagree but what do I know, so here is a list of characters and their nicknames.

 

As for the house… I guess you’ll never know

 

 

Edward: Stinky, A Katy Perry song, girls, Edgina (Edward+Vagina), Pansy, Snowflake, Orphan Eddie, Miss Priss, Edweird, Stroppy, Muriel, the Beast, the Weasley brother too ugly to make the books, Madame Butt-erfly's, Poopy Small-Cock-ing (Pippi Longstocking), Paleface, dick breath, Ariel, Iron Closet, Ice Cube, 

 

 

Jake: Stool Pigeon, A Katy Perry song, girls, Miss Piss, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Yuck, Courage the cowardly dog, Aslan, Gaston, The lounge lizard, Conan the Barbie, Dead Man Walking, Flounder, Chicken little,

 

Cullen’s: Bitchy (Rosalie) Chew toy-y (Alice - Squeaky) Wifey (Esme) The androgynous one (Jasper) Dr. Drac (Carlisle) Goliath (Emmett) Peck (Alice) Mama Deadite (Esme) Big and Tall (Emmett) bitchpire (Rosalie) Double dude (Emmett) Biggie (Emmett) Ambiguous (Jasper) Vampire M.D (Carlisle) Polly pocket (Alice)

 

Special: Lady and the Tramp ‘cause he’s not sure which is which

 

Sam: dareless leader.

 

Most, if not all was even explained down below.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for all your reviews. I tried to answer every single one but it’s been insane here.

 

 

I didn’t like this so I removed it from the chapter, but maybe some of you will

 

Give Hannah_Perry85 a thanks while you’re at it

 

 

Outtake – The walk to Casa de Sparkle

 

We moved through the forest without making a sound. Ten wolves in human clothing, and one Birdie in too much clothing if you asked me. No one did, but still, it had to be said. But doing it their way kept them from seeing her fuckable bod up close and personal, and there was nothing bad about that.

 _Mine_.

The two cubs newest to the pack were eying my girl. It would’ve pissed me off had it been anybody else, but nah. They weren’t eye-fucking her. They were barely _eye-hugging_ her. As long as they kept their peepers in their sockets and their hands to themselves I’d live. And so would they.

The whole pack travelled to the Cullen Crypt on foot. Well, the whole pack minus Yuck.

It was a personal matter and besides Birdie and me, Sam was the only one who had to attend, but everyone wanted to tag along for support or maybe to see for themselves that Jakey had jumped ship... Or switched teams… _Whatever_. I rolled my eyes for the trillionth time. He picked Fire Ant-ony over his brothers and sister. How did I know? We were about to take a step into enemy territory and where was he? It sure as fuck wasn’t with us.

Sam was _not_ happy. Which meant Leah was Livin' la Vida Loca.

The plan to keep those two wacky kids away from each other had lasted all of five minutes, then Leah had shoved her way to the front of the group and started pushing his buttons like he was a fucking pinball machine.

It was _hilarious_.

But Sam didn’t agree and soon he was one atom short of an explosion. What the fuck?

Sam wasn’t exactly Mr. Sunshine on the reg, but he was taking his Captain Crabby routine to a whole ‘nother level, and when Alfalfa was cranky it affected the rest of us.

With the exception of Leah. For her it was like every birthday and Christmas rolled into one. She took pleasure in her ex’s pain.

The chick was a total whack job, but fuck if she didn’t make it look good.

Although not as good as _nothing_ looked on Birdie. My girl could make any-hy-hy-hy-thing look good so imagine how she looked without a stitch. Nothing looked mighty fiiiiine on her bare ass…and tits…and….

I shook my head to stop the ringing in my ears. The tension rolled off me in waves, and I couldn’t even blame it on our fucked up situation. Good thing ignorance was bliss, ‘cause I felt blissful ignoring everything except for the warm body wrapped around mine. Her legs circled my waist and I had a cheek in each palm. I couldn’t think of a better way to travel than with my girl in my arms.

She wore the same skirt she had on a week ago, which had been washed and ironed courtesy of soon-to-be Mrs. Alpha.

My fingers slipped accidentally on purpose underneath her panties and found their way inside her…Oh yeeeeeeeeah. Could I make her come before we reached Casa de No-fanger?

Birdie arched her back and began fucking herself on my fingers. _Groan_. Her pussy was soaked and I felt her nipples through her shirt and coat. Like an X-rated version of the princess on the pea. Shimmy shim shimming. _Someone deserves a spanking when we get home._

“Paul.” My name on her lips was like music to my big fat cock and I swear it grew to twice its regular size. That’s right baby, say my name.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you keep it in your pants for five fucking seconds?” Sam barked.

“Well…Technically I’m keeping it in _her_ pants,” I wiggled my fingers, and oh my gaw-ha-ha-ad the sounds that came outta her… _Gaaaah._  Birdie moaned and if that wasn’t enough I could tell by her scent that she was close. Mmmm. De-li-ci-ous.

Sam, the party poop-a-scooper extraordinaire growled, “Christ Paul, can’t it wait? She’s reeking up the forest.”

 _And **therein** lies the problem_. It was a dilemma of epic proportions. On one hand – literally, heh -  there was her scent, and oh what a fucking ah-maze-hing scent it was, and having to smell it all day would be better than foreplay.

On the other hand, the rest of the pack would smell her too, and then there was the stray and the redheaded stepchild.

I didn’t want them to know how her scent changed when she was about to cream on my fingers, or how she smelled afterwards. That was for me alone.

But on the third…um…something, I didn’t hate the idea of making them jealous. I had what they could never have. I would loooooove to rub their nose in it, _not_ fucking literally thank you very much. _Gaaaah._ This shit was hard. Pun very much intended.

I fucking whimpered when I pulled my fingers from her swee-hee-hee-heet pussy and licked them clean. Was I whipped, or was I whipped? Mmmm. Whipping Birdie. _Gaaaah._ Get a grip.

Grip. She could grip my cock…

 _Fuuuuck._ The whole meeting was bullshit anyway. I could be home. In bed. With my girl. Instead I had to enter the House of Eternal Stench.

Birdie was a girl of few words so instead of complaining she pressed her ice cold nose into the crook of my neck. _Eeeeeek_. I shuddered, not totally hating the feeling, but not totally loving it either. “I know it sucks, baby,” I hummed and brushed my cheek against hers. The words were only meant for her ears so of course everyone heard them. 

“Oh it sucks, does it?” Sam ground out. “We wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you two. If you had handled it like adults instead of sneaking around…”

“Whoa!” He couldn’t sugarcoat shit before giving me a bite? “Leave Birdie out of this.”

“Ignore him.” Leah’s smile was all teeth as she smacked the back of Sam’s head hard enough to make him wince. “Emily wants to postpone _all marital privileges,”_ she twisted her lip in disgust _,_ “until after the nuptials, to make the wedding night _special_.”

_Ouch. That’s gotta suck balls._

“Aaaaand,” she sang, “that’s not even the best part. Do you wanna tell them Sammy, or should I?”

“Leah…” The warning was clear, but she had no fucks to give. Gotta love that in a girl.

“Okay, I’ll do it. I tell it better than you anyway.” She stopped to make sure she had everyone’s attention, like we cared about aah-ha-ha-haanything other than what could be worse than Sammy not get any for two months… Pfft…

I tightened my hold on Birdie and smiled a little. Well, maybe _one_ thing.

Sam’s glare had absolutely nooo effect on her. “You see, to make it _extra super special_ my dear cousin asked her fiancé to stop _Beef Strokenoff._ ”

 _Say what now?_ We all stared at her with our mouths hanging open. Not a good look on most, lemme tell ya.  Beef Stroganoff? What the fuck was that about? He couldn’t eat meat? “Man, that blows,” I sympathized.

“Nah!” Leah cackled. “She won’t do _that_ either.”

_…?_

“Huh?”

_Good question, Quil._

“You know, buffing the bratwurst, wrapping the wiener, stroking the strudel? There will be none of that until the big day if Emily has her way….” Leah’s teeth clanged as she snapped her jaw shut, “and we all know he can’t say no to her.”

Dead silence. Even Mother Nature knew to shut her trap.

_Awkward._

Well thank you Leah for giving me something else to think about. Who knew her bitterness would be useful? “Duuude.” Birdie better never do that to me. I tightened my hold on her again, copping a feel just to remind her of how fucking awesome we were together. “Being blue balled suuuucks.” I frowned a little, ‘cause, “Not that I know from experience. My girl here,” another ass squeeze and I threw in a boob grope for good measure, “can’t keep her hands…or other parts, off me.”

Birdie giggled and my mind went south. Literally. That sound. _Gah_ , that sound made me hard every fucking time, the only thing better was hearing it _while_ we were fucking…. _Gaaaah_.

The first time she did it I exploded. Like a fucking _volcano_. My girl had been using me like a pogo dick and I made her giggle by saying something stupid, like her nipples tasted like skittles… And _Fuuuuuuuuuuck_.  She had bounced on top of me, shaking her fuckawesome tits in my face and every giggle rocked through her and straight to my big, fat cock. I had never felt _anything_ like it. But then again I had never met anyone like _her…_

_Soon. Soon I will tell her. Soon._

I knew we were almost in the Land of the Dead when the air thickened and sweetened, like cotton candy. My skin crawled, the hair on the back of my head stood on end, and the need to drown Birdie in my scent was instinctual.

I clutched her even tighter against my naked chest and searched frantically for a tree that would hold under the hold against the force.

My eyes landed on a high branched fir a feet or so from the treeline. Too close for comfort, and too big a risk that either Ken or BarbieQ would see us through one of the windows, but I was out of options.

Birdie clung to me as I pushed her up against the trunk and buried my face in her hair, inhaling deeply. Intoxicating. Mouthwatering. “You smell soooo good, baby.” I groaned desperately. Needing more I sucked the skin behind her ear in between my teeth. I could bite her right there, and leave my mark for the whole world to see. It would be so easy… My cock ached as I felt the skin starting to give under the pressure. Just a little bit more and I would have something of her inside me…

My head snapped back with the force of an invisible punch. _What the fuck am I doing?_

I made myself lower Birdie to the ground before stumbling backwards. I had to put as much distance between us as I could. The wolf was too close to the surface, making my teeth rattle from trying to hold back the phase.

It had been building slowly since we left La Push. The closer we had gotten to enemy territory the more anxious I had felt. It was all him and his need to protect his family. Violent tremors rocked through me, and I could hear Sam shout from far away.

I snarled and bared my teeth, but before I could attack I felt her cold hands on my overheated skin.

I went for her hips and brought her flush against my chest, gripping, grabbing, groping everywhere I could reach. Palming her tits, squeezing her ass, I couldn’t get enough and I only wanted more.

“ _Mine_ ,” we growled, the wolf’s voice echoing through mine. 

I fought him as long as I could, but when the wind shifted and brought with it a blanket of rotting flesh I couldn’t hold him back any longer. “I’m sorry.” Too little, too late.

It was my face, my body and my fingers that cupped her knee, and slid teasingly up her thigh, but the wolf was pulling the strings.

The eager way Birdie spread her legs under our touch kept her from bruising. I tried to to be more careful as I kneaded her thighs on my way to her panties, but the wolf was too strong. The flimsy fabric fell apart at the seams and my fingers found home. Nipping and kissing my way up her jaw, and nibbling on her lobe until I could wheeze frantically into her ear, “I’m sorry, but I need this.”

The pack formed a circle around us to keep unwanteds out. My complete lack of control fucked with my head but I couldn’t make him stop, and fuck me for not wanting him to. I needed everyone to know without a fucking doubt who she belonged to. I needed her to reek of me from the inside out.

I suck, suck, sucked at the skin covering her pulse. I didn’t even have to drop trou, just unzipped and pulled out my cock to position it at her crack. “Your legs,” We snarled. “Wrap them around my waist.” She was quick to do as I asked.

The new angle of her hips wrapped her swollen pussy lips nicely around my shaft and made it easier for us to slide my cock back and forth between them. We swiveled my hips before slamming forward to rub the base of my cock against her clit.

Afraid of hurting her if I touched her I struggled to place my hands against the tree and dug my fingers into the trunk. The bark turned to sawdust beneath them.

Birdie panted into my ear and tried to clumsily meet my thrusts. A breathless whimper when I pulled away to rub the head of my cock against her thighs, coating them with precum, was the only other sound that escaped her parted lips. “I’m sorry,” I growled and returned to her slick slit, sliding my dick from crack to clit, swiveling my hips so the head of my dick circled her opening, just to tease her before the slip-and-slide called me back.

I fought against the wolf, “Tell me to stop,” I begged her, knowing I would even if it fucking killed me.

“Don’t stop.”

The burning in the pit of my stomach was the first warning. I was close but I needed her to come first. With a rock, rock, rock of my hips, I put pressure on her clit and she fell apart within seconds. She came screaming my name and banged her head back against the rough bark.

“I’m sorry,” I growled, grinding harder, thrusting faster. “I’m sorry,” I roared as the first burst of thick ropey cum landed on the tree between her open thighs. “I’m sorry,” I grunted as I reached between her spread legs and caught the rest in my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I spread it on the inside of her thighs, her small, dainty hands, the hollow of her throat and behind her ears. Lastly I nudged at her mouth with my fingers and wordlessly asked her to lick them clean. And fuck me, she did. 

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered when I finished marking her in the only way that wouldn’t put her in danger. I latched onto her neck and felt the hickey bloom underneath my lips.

We both felt the need to bite her, to mark her as ours in the only way that counted, but the wolf knew as well as I did that bleeding her this close to the leeches could get her killed.

Our breathing slowed gradually, I tucked away my limp and spent dick and tried to put some distance between us. She wouldn’t let me. The wolf stepped back and I was in control again. “Did we hurt you?” I ran my hands over her to check for scrapes and nicks, relieved beyond words when I found none.

 _For her first meet and greet with the wolf it wasn’t that bad_ … I tried to tell myself

Tendrils of sweat dampened hair stuck to her neck. “It’s okay,” she murmured and scraped her short nails against my scalp. Any other day it would have calmed me down, but not today.

It wasn’t okay and neither was I. Not yet. I breathed in her scent. She smelled amazing. Like us.

“What the fuck was that about?” Our fearless leader didn’t shy from the big questions.

“Just making sure they know who she belongs to,” I said with a half shrug, and a fake grin, all fucking casual like.

Leah sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose. “Christ, she reeks of you.”

“Well, mission fucking accomplished.” I picked up Birdie in my arms and planted one on her lips, this time I only had to half fake my smile. “We good?”

She smiled back, radiating, fucking _glowing,_ “We’re great.”

I hoped she was right.

 

**Thank you for reading**

 

 

Since this is an outtake some of it doesn’t fit exactly with the previous chapter, and some things are repeated. Hope it was to your liking anyway.

 

*

No-fanger - Lynsay Sands, Argeneau series. Means what the name suggests

The bog of eternal stench – Labyrinth

Beef Strokenoff – Buzzfeed (list of masturbation euphemisms)

Livin' la Vida Loca - Song by Ricky Martin. Means "Living the crazy life". It works.


End file.
